giacoso

my first rally

2011-04-30T01:19:00.004+08:00

going to my first rally was a rejoicing experience. no, it was exhilarating.

although the venue was totally packed, i never felt so at ease and proud before. maybe because everyone there were singaporeans. Not only being singaporeans, but hopeful singaporeans.

i recalled how i tried to venture through the human crowd, and how people just smiled at me to let me pass. I also recalled how I was calling my friend to look for him amidst the crowd, and a lady- yes, a stranger, tapped on my shoulder and tell me my friend was 10m away.
yes, she was eavesdropping on what i'm saying and know that i'm looking for someone holding his laptop bag high up.. but no, it's not an infringement of privacy.

even when the speeches begun to go channel 8, i see singaporeans volunteerily asking their malay and indian brothers and sisters if they needed any translation.. and they just did it on the spot, attempting to take clearly while cupping hands around the ears of their fellow singaporeans. no, it's not an infringement of privacy, it's looking out for each other. looking out for a fellow singaporeans.

i have never felt like i'm at ease, i have never felt like i am at home since the mid of the 2000. Singaporeans have all changed. maybe, there wasn't any Singaporeans. Yes, most of the Singaporeans were not really around on crowded trains on my way home (70% would belong to other nationalities, with different social habits). The only remaining Singaporeans were left to fend for themselves and be selfish. on top of these reasons, there are many reasons that takes the pride of being a Singaporean away from me.

I was happy today that i was among a crowded of true Singaporeans. Amiable and kind, true and passionate. It's as though i was back in the NDP i attended while i was 5, whereby hopes and pride from being a Singaporean surges in me again.

today, i recovered my pride and my hope. don't bring it away.

Majullah Singapura.

2011-03-21T14:27:00.000+08:00

maybe it's better to vanish in thin air.

2011-03-21T09:57:00.001+08:00

lack of will and strength during critical period.

lack of understanding..

2011-03-20T02:04:00.001+08:00

if you dont, who will?

2011-01-19T22:51:00.001+08:00

im a loser...

2010-11-05T21:45:00.001+08:00

all time low

2010-10-01T22:47:00.003+08:00

first encounter with death at a closer proximity...
i have been to wake of my grandmother, but its not the same.

this is my superior in navy whom i chatted with, joked with, trained with...
he is a lot more senior than me, but, he is young isn't he?

i heard, he just had a baby, and is looking forward to bring home more bacon through a career transition. however, this is where good things turned bad..
seeing how bad the wife sob and how hard she was coping only make me feel frail.

there was once a time that i thought i'm ready to conquer the world. the world is my oyster.

we are very more frail to hands of heaven than we think we are..

rest in peace, charles.

2010-09-14T10:37:00.001+08:00

what's wrong..?

2010-06-28T08:59:00.003+08:00

well. it's 3am and i just finished packing what i am supposed to pack, at least that is what i think.

departing in a few hours. i reckoned i shld take a few minutes of my nap time to reflect upon my sep experience. honestly, this trip is very much to consolidate my faith in my own education.. knowing what i read in nus is seriously useful. it also allow me to appreciate how useless and excessive the singapore education system is.

other than that, i managed to tour much of europe again. and of course, improve my german.
To be frank, the exchange experience cannot be compared to what i've learnt during my term of office.. i don't what to compare it to because it is quite a breeze for me. as mentioned, it is really a consolidation and reflection period amidst my regular and relatively intensive years of education.

it also come as a much needed(or undeserved) break, that i sinfully relish.
i hope, or i will make sure, this break is meant for me to strive harder in my studies..

--
this is meant as a post script, but it's not really a post script as it is really an important part/ most important part of my exchange experience..

i am thankful for you, being around me all the time.. growing up with me.
or rather, let me grow up.. i'm sorry for all my random pekcekness and impatience.. but i'm so thankful that i am so flawed, for it let me realise how perfect and accommodating you are..

i'm glad to have found my life partner.. and like how we spent the semester together exploring the old world.. let us strive for the betterment of each other.. and crave a world of ours (: <33!

赤壁怀古

2010-05-26T05:13:00.002+08:00

《念奴娇》字，苏轼

“大江东去，浪涛尽，千古风流人物。
故垒西边，人道是，三国周郎赤壁。
乱石穿空，惊涛拍岸，卷起千堆雪。

遥想公瑾当年，小乔初嫁了，雄英姿发，羽扇纶锦。
笑谈间，樯橹间灰飞烟灭，故国神游，多情因笑我，早生华发。

人生如梦，一樽还酹江月。”

2010-05-23T17:00:00.002+08:00

When he was offered the post of deputy chairman of MAS following his retirement, Dr Goh was offered the same pay he was drawing as DPM. He asked to be paid half the amount.

Contrast it to the 60 p/c pay increase the PAP Ministers gave themselves after GE 2006.

Contrast it against the numerous contributions he has made and refused to claim credit for, or to be honoured.
Every Singaporeans deserved to know who Dr Goh is, every deserving Singaporeans should learn about his contributions and honour the values he espoused.

http://www.corporateobserver.com.sg/news.php?reg_id=514

Dr Goh deserves all the respects & tributes..

2010-04-27T17:27:00.004+08:00

Oh yes, did i forget mention. hehehe.

I went to Rheingoldehalle yesterday to read my papers and to try get my thoughts sorted.

it's really beautiful, it's a forest next to the Rhein river. Trees there are tall and skinny but bushy at the top, so instead of being imposing like amazonian trees they look like friendly treants looking down on you.
There i was, below the slope next to the walking path, the weeds and dandelions are tall, so nobody can see me there. My resting place is actually a short walls of logs stacked together, it looks like obstacles for dogs, i don't know. But i think it's clean enough, with a lil bit of friendly ants and mites.

I rested my bicycle on the logs and jumped upon the lumbers. Took out my readings and allow the sun to shine onto my paper. Natural illumination! haha. Then, there were subtle wind blowing from my back and as the wind stops occasionally, I can see the dandelions flowing in timeless space and resting on me occassionally, yet taking off almost instantly.

the birds were chirping in sync as well. not so in sync like what we hear in compositions, but you can find harmony in them and the songs of different birds can be pieced together form a melody, that's what i did for the first 15 mins of my time and when i got stuck.
I play with the music in my mind.

I kind of understand why people of the past seems to be better creators/composers than today.

mmm, a intellectually stimulating environment! (:

2010-04-27T17:19:00.003+08:00

The past week was interesting, it's the happiest week of my stay in Mannheim!

We went to a classical concert a Rosengaarten, Sinfornie 4, composition by Mozart. Many trips to the Rhein river were made, together with picnics and last minute BBQ which was a remarkable success! the food are among then nicest I've tried.. maybe its the company(:

Also, the trip to the Rhein will not be complete without fetching nana around on the pointy pillion of my bicycle. It really feels good to want to bring someone home so badly.. yupp.

Further, we also experienced what most people didnt experience before. Muahaha!
we went to an Apple farm and vineyard at Rot-Malsch to eat Knusprige Schweinhaxen! It is important to remember for now that, Knusprigen = Crispy, its not a place it Germany. Too bad ah, i never learn that adverb before. HAHAHAHA.

lucky i figured it out somehow, before i made a big joke out of myself. LOL.

met many people and friends of course during the trip. I'm looking forward to a cookout or dinner with Shou Heng. mm. more looking forward, it will be going to Denmark again.. to bbq! muhahaha! (:

Honeymoon! but most imptly, I have to get my work done with, cannot let myself down for not accomplishing any learning.

thinking abt nana's pr in Germany and travelling big deal after my exams in early june. let's see.
looking forward! (:

2010-04-18T03:55:00.002+08:00

this morning was a hectic.

discontinued tram service, so i missed the replacement bus(thinking its some other feeder service)

low batt phone, totally empty credit.

unnotified about the doubling of lecture hrs, from 1.30hrs lecture, it became 4 hrs.

despite the "schlecht"ness.. im happy! looking forward to tmr.. heh. grinning.

anyway.. prof chatted with me today.. and realised i'm from Singapore. after praising Singapore in all manners that made me proud of myself, he said "But oh well, it isn't really free is it?"

mm.

2010-04-01T01:47:00.002+08:00

i love you.. i'm worried that things turn out wrong.. or communication goes bad.
i get panicky and over protective and even irritated..
but, i love you..

more than anything

2010-03-18T13:56:00.003+08:00

missed sch for 1 week and back to singapore!

but i wasn't at all enjoying on my part. its more like a duty/task. nvm the word chore, i can't use it here because my bestfrd's wedding can't be a chore!

but the cost of the ticket to register deeply in your mind, exclusion any other material cost of celebration. of course! i looked forward to it because i can use up my 30kg allowance to load things up for my nana! because it can make her happy!

actually, witnessing their marriage induces daydreaming.. so i shall work hard for my goal! ;)
anyhow, it also shows me how fragile things can be.. all the quarrelling and refusal to give in. im only blessed to have nana as we both are understanding and tried to have the best for each other all the while. its not so much abt muscle struggle of whose opinion shld be adopted.

actually, at these point of my relationship i already know that i've found someone tt i can trust and hold hands firmly to face the world.

nvm some people claim that they love each other, but their lives are filled with angst and meaningless argument. occassionaly yes. but not all the time.. and we must rmb, love is supposed to make someone better. in all aspects.

mm, nvm. i can only say im blessed!(:

2010-02-23T08:15:00.003+08:00

for some reason, im stil unable to sleep although im extremely tired! just now how my samsung batt suddenly has a elongated life.

honestly, the cold temperature makes my batt last longer, i used to charge my hp every 1.5 day.. now it runs on full even after not charging it for 3,4 days. HAHAHHA.

and YAY. looking forward to friday and the adventure that follows..
not really an adventure.. but its the chance to see someone important again.. looking forward!

but im kind of worried that the journey is too tired.. :S i rather i be the one travelling.. anyhow.. i kind of planned for a series of activity, hope it will be a enjoayble germany experience!(:

thinking abt.. frankfurt x2, worms, heidelberg, schwetzingen.. yupp! small towns.. and churches.

friday friday! thank god, its' friday soon!(:

2010-02-09T03:25:00.002+08:00

come here soon nana!

ich bin allein.

anyway, do we all look the same?
some french guy just talked to me and said im from costa rica or something.. HAHAHHAHAHA

no. im not. apparently, he thought im another guy he talked to.

nono.

we dont look the same!!

2010-02-03T03:18:00.001+08:00

put drinks on the window to chill them.. but they got blown away.

a full 1.5l orange juice. hahaha.

its' easy to feel lonely when you are alone in the cold :S

2010-02-02T23:47:00.001+08:00

first day in mannheim was sway!!!

1. flight delayed
2. took wrong train.. and its not like singapore.. earliest stop is 1hr away.
3. to correct it, i need 1.5 - 2 hrs journey back! HAHAHA.

then reached to the iro in germany side.. lucky they are friendly.. and stayed over for me.

so.. got my house and home sweet home!

2010-01-27T20:09:00.001+08:00

my day starts at 3am daily! :)

2010-01-25T15:15:00.001+08:00

sigh..

2009-12-30T23:51:00.002+08:00

worth blogging!

15 lessons plus 7 circuits later.. finally passed driving test on first attempt!

not a smooth test.. but lucky got friendly people. we must give way to others.. MUST.
honestly, it was really really stressed. more stressful than exam.. and more of course having a concerto or solo-ing(that is exciting only).
the variables are too much and the weigh to pass on first try is seriously too high...

never waste money! less than 1.3k? mm.. plus the fulfilling of a long time goal!(:

2009-12-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

gym bo pi! must pass must pass...

at stake;
1) a memorable bday..
2) ability to shoulder family burden..
3) the $$$$

omg. hope can. stop line must stop! hahaa...

2009-12-26T01:17:00.000+08:00

xmas wish: for people around him to be happy.

2009-12-25T14:20:00.000+08:00

forcing himself to sleep more.. a way to restart the day

2009-12-25T02:16:00.001+08:00

merry xmas ppl..!

2009-12-10T06:12:00.000+08:00

sigh.. smile please?

2009-11-27T17:28:00.000+08:00

mmm.. super unproductive day..

supposed venue not conducive at all and is headache inducing instead.. and came home to jog but it rained heavily instead.

sigh..

and hope everything went well for the grading.. too bad i couldn't go..
praying hard..!

2009-11-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

stress is mounting.. but yes we can!

add oil!!!!

2009-11-15T22:03:00.002+08:00

finally done with my term papers before reading week starts! haha

lots and lots of catching up to be done.. mmm. and i know it will be more xingku for her.
shall work hard together..!

anyhow, got this sudden urge to cook and read more. drive more.. because i understand that i am severely trying to hug buddha's leg or car's tire in trying to rush my driving test on 30th dec. :S
another big and upcoming thing is my SEP.
looking at my mental calendar, i really have very little time before going over.. so many things yet to be done and i'm quite apprehensive about it. maybe its because we are going to part for quite long? mmm.. i do trust her alot.. just that wont be able to be first person for her during that four months.. :(

anyway, its exam period and yes. nobody is reading this.. add oil everyone.. and nana(:

2009-11-01T19:51:00.003+08:00

HELLO!

my non-existing readers. hahaha!

i'm officially 23 to my own dismay. it's pretty sad that most of my female counterpart are doing something else already, while im still studying?

mmm. being from a not as "well to do" family, i work for what i have.. this concept had been ingrained in me since young, or rather, i made myself believe in it.

however, there were still times when i will hope for little miracles to appear. it can be materialistic, like for a little pup to appear on 13th birthday which it did.. jaime! well maybe it's not very materialistic, or my mum ordering my fav stuffed crust. or letting me try how a slice of ice-cream cake taste like on my 18th birthday. During xmas, i have also hoped for santa claus to come. it's as though, if i close my eyes for long enough, my wishes will come true.. and sometimes when the wishes are not met, i hope to sleep tru my bday hoping that i can lengthen it by not looking at the clock.

but this year especially, i realised i've grown up. it didn't matter all of a sudden of course, it is just that i only noticed it now.

this year's bday.. i didnt want anything. maybe i am less attention seeking.. or maybe i already have the best present in this world.. i guess it will be this way from now on.
i mean, with her that i am able to hold, smile and cry together.. every day is a birthday.
there's nth i want more.. except to make her smile and happy(:

2009-10-27T11:11:00.002+08:00

hellweek is finally over. somehow, i didn't seem like i worked as hard or as well.
mm, or is it because i have an energy source next to me that i always feel recharged?

i'm quite sure it is.. mm.

(:

2009-10-24T18:51:00.001+08:00

r as arrrgh, n as en. shut up please.

really irritating.

2009-10-09T00:28:00.001+08:00

yay. (:

2009-10-06T12:03:00.000+08:00

finally got network in school! hope this is sustainable. HAHA.

mmm.. really really need to get started on all my projects.. stress is mounting. or rather, i'm trying to let it mount.. if not i won't accomplish anything.. should use this semester to pull up my cap..

seriously, my home is the soil of laziness..

lucky now i have an organiser? mm.. hope i can do something for her also.. she is getting stressed. anyhow.. i'm blessed!

2009-09-16T09:09:00.002+08:00

it's my fault.. shldn't have let you know..i rather be the only one that's not so happy?

sigh. hope you are feeling better already..

2009-09-14T22:47:00.001+08:00

seriously seriously behind time.

need to post the SEP application to partner uni and start catching up on my readings... and start outlining projects?

oh no. i have a lazybone to get rid of..

2009-09-08T09:45:00.000+08:00

i'm finally done with this concert.. and it was scary and shaky. mm.
and i got sorethroat(together with trembling in cold sweat and headache) for the 2nd/3rd time in a month?
seriously irritated with myself.

so weak please. ARGH.

time to regain my health.. and to catch up on my school work. sigh.

wednesday!

2009-09-03T20:58:00.003+08:00

sigh.. bad day.

ich kenne ich bin nicht allein.

2009-08-11T14:57:00.003+08:00

today's the first day of school! officially, albeit i do not have any tutorials yet.

it's really funny how i didn't write about what has happened throughout this 3 months holiday. finished a major exam without any breather, went to work, planned an overseas trip to europe and executed it... eventually winning a grand prix!

but.. it's just beyond me to write everything down. it is difficult to write some part without putting lesser emphasis on another. and sometimes things are more meaningful kept.
I will just keep all these memories in me.
i am just glad there's someone standing next to me when we won the grand prix and it has been this way ever since! (:

nvm i didn't have enough break.

it's now time to start a new chapter!

2009-08-02T12:25:00.003+08:00

today's finally the last day of work!!

seriously, i really really dread working here.
i'm underpaid + unearthly working hrs that made me lose my social life + my swimming/running regime? okay, not forgetting feeling stupid doing the non-challenging tasks and being unappreciated.. sigh.

alright. enough nagging.. maybe it's because i'm feeling terrible now. my nose and throat are killing me.

I will do this entire job all over again for 10 more times if just one of this time allows me to take the same bus with her.. and to send her home safely.

call me silly.
i don't mind being a happy silly(:

2009-07-31T09:57:00.004+08:00

mmm. finally get to meet the gangs this week.
it's really been a while since we met. 2,3 months? HAHA. was super busy with work and the poland trip..

it is now time to step back and have some time for myself.. having said that, the concept of having a mini bbq is superb! no more satays and crabsticks please. boring.

while i hate my throat now.. because of the sore throat,

scallops, porkchops and even grilled capsicums can taste sweet all with a lil handling and friendship!

2009-07-26T15:36:00.000+08:00

nervous!

2009-07-15T02:41:00.001+08:00

No updates from the europe trip.

I made a wish at a fountain in Olomouoc and my wish came true(:

2009-06-06T23:58:00.002+08:00

just came back from the guitar concert.
wasn't very keen on going initially however, i did go in the end haha.

after hearing to the germans play, i think they deserve applause for their high level of technical skills. their music was, however, rational.

by the word of rational, i mean that the emotions are subdued and controlled.

i've always thought of music as a mean of expressing oneself, one's emotion especially.
is 'rational' music still music to me? or is it just soothing music that do not describes and tells you anything. good as background music only.

just wondering. is background music music too?

is rational music without emotion music?

2009-05-30T23:47:00.001+08:00

I seldom post lyrics on my blog. but im just into super melancholic stuffs. haha!

Eponine so wei da! haha.
It is ALWAYS interesting to look back to the period around the French revolution, it just intrigues me. the pre- the post-.
the birth of modern values and the society. (:

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...

2009-05-26T00:00:00.002+08:00

i tried to do it as nice as possible. but somehow i failed.

it was so unbearable all the while when we are feigned our ignorance.
i really dont like this.

i guess it is better now that we lifted the stone off our chests(:

2009-05-13T23:47:00.003+08:00

i am clueless.

why is it thing that you do not see that sometimes comfort you the most?

why is it that not everyone feel the same for the similar piece of music, and why is it there are people who lacks passion?

how do the similar piece of music comfort different people simultaneously or draw inspirations.
why is it i am so limited in my ability to express it linguistically. maybe there is just too much for anyway to channel the emotions directly?

maybe, emotions are felt or drawn by people who are differently attuned to it.

i am clueless. but i am sure music will be a large part of my life whether or not i have the ability to play it or listen to it. if i can't play it, i will play it in my heart. if i can no longer listen, i will just hymm it deep down in my mind and it will be just enough to coax my heart.

2009-05-07T01:28:00.003+08:00

a day ago, i reach my room at 3 and i drop on my bed.

while i know that i was extremely tired and my body's fatigue alr, i just can't sleep.
toss around on my bed till 6 plus am.

my bodyclock is messed up.

today, i missed all the possible dinner spot i can find in school because i only realised i'm hungry at 8plus while studying in the library.

everywhere's so empty now. even subway and mac abandoned me already lol. not that i always patronise them la.

lala. but no worries, i managed to eat a cup noodle. so not too bad(:

but hope it's worth it. im not whining. hahahah crap.

2009-05-02T01:39:00.003+08:00

i'm still bothered by the kind of prejudiced marking.

sigh.

I’ll just have to work harder and fight against the disadvantages worked out against me.

2009-04-25T22:20:00.002+08:00

"Probity, sincerity, candor, conviction, the sense of duty, are things which may become hideous when wrongly directed; but which, even when hideous, remain grand: their majesty, the majesty peculiar to the human conscience, clings to them in the midst of horror; they are virtues which have one vice, - error. The honest, pitiless joy of a fanatic in the full flood of his atrocity preserves a certain lugubriously venerable radiance. Without himself suspecting the fact, Javert in his formidable happiness was to be pitied, as is every ignorant man who triumphs. Nothing could be so poignant and so terrible as this face, wherein was displayed all that may be designated as the evil of the good." - Victor Hugo on Les Miserables

2009-04-20T15:28:00.000+08:00

it is depressing to get a C for your favourite module simply because your prof thinks you use too chim words and too many jargon.

especially when it is ok to use those words somewhere else. and when you really did research on the topic.

sigh.
depressing..

2009-04-18T14:16:00.003+08:00

i've often comment on the consistency/thickness of music as how i see them as different blends of flowing stream with cream-like textures.

I was thinking of why I would prefer the consistency of western music that has more developed alto-below ranging sounds.. to me, it is more like chocolate.

when someone eats a dark chocolate, it may not be sweet. there exist, however, certain richness that stems from its consistency.. as the melting chocolate slowly engulfs your tongue and throat.

co music on the other hand, is very much like desserts/ fruit sorbets or even candy.
They are sweet and rich on every note. the timbre seems to tell a million story and intrigues and stimulates your ears.
however, as a personal preference, i do not like candy.
dont really like the immediate sweetness i get from eating candy and desserts. hahaha.

to use another metaphorical explanation, the stimulation from chocolate seems to lies in the inner throat of the mouth and maybe the tonsils.. co music is more towards the tip of the tongue and the tingling sweetness lies near around the teeth..

still. i think it's a v apt description that i have been trying hard to put it to people who cannot know what im thinking.

2009-04-17T23:06:00.001+08:00

why so childish. lol.

im falling again.. but i shall keep still. will i hit myself in the face?

2009-04-09T19:57:00.002+08:00

I went to YST Conservatory in the afternoon.
The day was hot and humid and just senses-dampening. However, as I walk into the conservatory my sense lighten up by the faint choral that leaks out of the studios. I had the concert hall on my right, and the studios neatly lined up on the higher levels. Then, there was the music library that I do no see books, but scores.

Its different. The people whom I ask of direction speaks in foreign accent, yet I do not find them extremely unfriendly or so. In their arms, they were all holding black cases of weird shapes and sizes. If not, there are random pieces of staff scores that they were holding.. However, I do not find them unfamiliar.

Then, I went to find Dr Koo.. I walked down the aisle and look through the little windows of the professors.. i see instruments laid out just as if they have been touched. its not the kind of offices that i visited from the academia profs. its designed to be cosy and sensual.
Then I entered Dr koo's office, there it was lined with cream carpet and the lights were orange.
at the corner of the room lies a baby grand piano..

Of all the offices I have visited and seen, I have never been able to visual a workplace that I can happily and contently work from.
This is an environment that i realised i will be happy to be in. haha.

but somehow, it wont actualise. i guess.

2009-04-04T23:01:00.001+08:00

i am sick. but i just have to do this post.

i'm free! :)

and congrats qiling, jeffrey! sure you can do a good job:)

jiayou NUSCO! keep the flame going!

2009-03-26T17:17:00.004+08:00

everything is so hard, it seems like everything is being hung at the other end by only strands of silk.

as the wind blows and the rain showers on this puppet-like objects that can merely be outlined as "things", the weights lean hard on the silks like how a child on swing made from vine would.

everything is so delicate and might just give way any moment.

will it?
maybe. maybe not.

2009-03-25T23:41:00.003+08:00

it takes 2 hands to clap.
after repeated effort and initiatives and of course, receiving snubbs.
i think enough is enough.
i am pretty ashamed that i can be misunderstood at this level..

really very childish. i guess i will just stop trying, i have had my share of trying.

2009-03-21T22:33:00.002+08:00

just finished wind symp concert..
it seriously not bad, though not marvellous ermm.. i think can be alot better with they are more familiar and plays more with passion. and the conductor don't have a total grip of the orchestra yet i think..

i think the orchestra also improved alot under the new conductor. ermm. it's cleaner, more precise and more energetic!
ohh well, but my concert experience is dampen by some lc people who kept on chatting throughout. it's just that they are karin's friend and i didnt want to shush them.
its amusing how people can laugh and jeer when the conductor conducts or come out for an additional round of applause. really v lc actually.
3 plump fat girls.

ok enough.

anyway, am in cfa alone now.. trying to do my international relations research for my paper.
very behind time indeed.

time to push on.

2009-03-09T00:41:00.002+08:00

why do i like music?
is it because it is one of the things i am good at since young? or is it, it is where i find my comfortable enclave.. for it is where i see things sharper, hear clearer and feel better?

i asked xiaoting the question in random, and she said, it's one of the good things that you are capable of.

is it? that is how reassuring. somehow, good things are not random. i feel that music brings good things to myself, just as how it is one of the good things i am capable of.
i dont know if it is like a religion. but somehow it has become a place of privateness. a kind of personal relationship with my dizi, or a relationship with music as a whole.
to give up a half year studies that otherwise cannot be done for the rest of my life,
or to give up a chance for a concerto.. or to not have concerto anymore.

it's just like missing a pilgrimage.
something that i really dont wish to do.

NUSCO concert

2009-03-08T11:08:00.003+08:00

finally the concert is over.

really glad it ended with a success with good praises about all, artistic, management the list goes on:)

i slept at 5am just now.. and only just woke up this moment, but i thought it is important to note down my after-thoughts when they are still fresh.
i woke up hoping it is still saturday, or hoping there is still another show today. somehow, it is just fun to have a full house concert, or one that you are proud to let your friend come to.
maybe certain section's standard is not really marvellous. but the work of the entire NUSCO, i can vouch they did their best, in this circumstances.

im also really glad that our idea of modernity, fusing visual effects with music for better understanding worked well. it is really cool to see your child grow. for the idea was sprout by us last june?
can i see that mr lum is satisfied with the scale of the performance. the grandeur and all.
i hope i have made an orchestra with discipline, that is bonded and plays music with a soul.

last few days as nusco president.

kampong chicken.

2009-03-05T00:19:00.003+08:00

kampong chicken.
kampong chicken is smaller. yet, it is healthier. reason being the very fact that it has to run away looking for its own food, facing the intense competition and the very need of survival.
it grows strong and fit, although smaller in size because its not meant to be a meat chicken by default..

they say kampong chicken fetch a higher price on the market.. ermm.
but not many people will appreciate it do they?

:)

2009-02-08T21:01:00.002+08:00

have you ever took notice of the pink/purple blooming flowers that looked all so plentiful?
i assume many dont. honestly, they always look cheap and dull and no one will take special notice of them.

however, as batches of these "flowers" starts in bloom in cadence.. i began to take notice of them and darn they are beautiful. I am not in awe of how red this flowers were.. in fact they aren't flower too.. they are the leaves around the flower and the colour are induced by the pheromone change.

haha. im digressing. im just touched by how batches of these white flowers gets diffused at their tips with very subtle pink. the low density of colour makes it elegant and impossible to have a clear outline. somehow, it resemble clouds.
imagine cloud on my balcony(:

it's the incomplete and transient effect that makes it beautiful.
you know, nature is just wonderful.

2009-02-06T10:24:00.000+08:00

sigh.

2009-01-29T17:36:00.001+08:00

am i crumpling..?

hong bao.

2009-01-28T22:18:00.002+08:00

i have lots of random habits. one especially peculiar one repeats itself every lunar new year.
everyone likes to collect hongbaos. and yes, the money inside.
but i guess not many people like the something extra that comes with the packet.
ahahha. yes, luck. lame as it sounds..

but i like to think of hongbaos as packets of wishes that my relatives and seniors give.
i would always like to hoard the entire band of wishes and hope it last me tru the year. with that, i usually empties all the hongbaos and put all the money in the biggest packet and keep it in my secret box. for the rest of the hongbaos, i will put them under my bed or pillow.

there's a slight change in this in recent years though.. i no longer keep all the packets. i keep away all except 3 special ones. as usual, one big nice one to hold my keep.
for the two others, i will put them under my pillow.. they are best wishes from my parents(:

2009-01-09T19:44:00.002+08:00

still in office now..

suddenly have a flood of thoughts.. bidding at cors has drove me crazy for a few hrs before 5pm everyday this week.
my work has also officially ended with the end of today..

i wonder why do i multitask so much and i begin to wonder if i can deal with it.
my political science coursework last sem hasn't been brilliant like the first or second sem.
my interest in it doesn't totally translate into the A's i want.. and i am beginning to fear for my honours and in correlation, my SEP in Germany.

tsk. being a president in NUSCO is tiring actually but i dont think it is enough to bring me down!
i should really cut down on my sleeping and daydreaming in hall.. especially after the whole night of dotaration.
I shall now force myself to read my readings and wander in my deep thoughts in the library instead of my room.

maybe, that will force me out of my comfort zone.

my 8am german tutorials is not very much dreaded by me now. but i believe in time to come, i will!

hahaa... =S

2008-12-19T18:59:00.003+08:00

when you made a promise, please try to fufill it no matter how insignificant it is to you.
a decision made to broke this promise will just undermine the trust of the person that believed in you.

it makes me wonder if you know the values that the promises is based upon.
trust. security. safety. care.
all these have been thrown away..

2008-11-22T03:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes i just want to be a fish, or better, an sea angel..
i'm always thankful that i have always been able to be soothed by water.

the beating of the waves,
the rubbing of the waves against crests of another wave,
the glittering that are always so random and uncountable..

i would like to spend my life in it, let the current hit softly against my face and body.
constantly going against the flow.

it's the reason life has a meaning.

2008-10-15T02:36:00.001+08:00

sick and feels alone.

2008-10-01T16:41:00.003+08:00

i shld be reading or writing my essay which i haven't started, but here am i filling bytes of my blog entry lols.

sometimes i just hate feeling like a stranger before someone so close to you.
it is this feeling you get when you are super close to someone.. yet you dont know anything that is going on at all.. and you need your frd to say "ehh, tt's your frd right" and you bumped into each other saying "hi, what a coincidence" just like acquintances.

it's chilling.

anyway.. im really needing new shirts and pants, shoes ARGH
and my mouse. it cost my death during dota.
and when doing my work, it is seriously hard to highlight and copy any phrases. ARGH.
i need to struck lottery.

but i dont buy lottery, so what do i do...

2008-09-30T21:09:00.002+08:00

today's a rather dull day.
for everything, for my lack of urgency in doing my work.
for my inability to complete more task than i shld. prehaps, reflection alone is not enough if it does not result in a resolution to toughen myself up.

argh.
JBJ died today. I'm pretty sad and it came as a shock. Didn't think he will pass away so soon, albeit when his RP was formed i was like "i dont think it's going to last because he is not". I'm wondering if it's my borrowing of his book that caused it. hahaha. i have got some silly superstitious-coincidentary assumptions all the while.

well, there goes a warrior of singapore.
i read his speechs in the parliament and he didnt sound silly as how he is made to sound.
he seems like a modern romantiscist that do not belong to the today's singapore.
somehow, he is like lost in times, maybe behind but most probably ahead of it.

the reason that he's a warrior is not exactly because of what he fought for, for the political apathy of singaporeans do not suscrible to, hence, the little relevance.
it is at least his ability to forgo self and fighting for what he believe in that made him a respectable man.

i do believe 100 yrs down the road he might be martyr or something. haha i dont know.
most likely, he will be a rally figure for the weak oppositions in sg.

2008-09-28T22:57:00.003+08:00

sometimes, incidents or frdship can turn out to be childish.
jio. bo jio. guilt.

this is seriously growing in stupidity.
just like some primary sch kids' act of ostracising a frd because she talked to an "outcast".

we need to know that people grow up.
people mature and the social circle matures and changes.
i agree it is mean to forgot abt someone and im very guilty of it.

but i do not see the reason in having an extremely guilt feeling.
all things happen for a reason.
one day, after i die. the world will continue to rotates.

2008-09-22T20:56:00.003+08:00

i cant understand why i can be so impatient now.
perhaps, the other party doesn't seems to understand the amount of effort being put in and the sacrifices on my part.

always sounding unimportant and impatient.
somehow, it's like the effort put in is redundant and uncalled for.

all because of this that i have to push and hurry things.

i feel so cheap.

2008-09-16T23:47:00.001+08:00

since the demise of jamie..
nth has been right.

2008-09-16T23:15:00.001+08:00

a torn and tattered grey bear, unnoticed, sitting by the corner of the room.

2008-09-15T02:39:00.002+08:00

i dont want to be a sidekick.
i really really dont want.

somehow i have the fear of history repeating itself.

2008-09-09T22:14:00.001+08:00

i dont know what i did.
i was so hurt that i start to bite back..

i guess it really hurts.. and that's why i got so hurt myself..

2008-07-23T15:11:00.000+08:00

treasure cow(:

2008-07-02T22:55:00.000+08:00

you are the sun,
and i moon, guard by the gods of fortune..

2008-06-29T18:24:00.001+08:00

im afraid if i might never have the time to do everything that i wish so much to do.

2008-06-23T01:18:00.004+08:00

i learnt a lesson today.
must must must must must be more understanding. and nv be so negative, it affects everyone.

im proven wrong(:
history is not going to repeats itself!
just tt im guilt-ridden of being so doubtful..
for tt moment when im told how she feels.. im totally ashamed of myself.
im having a whole new life and i'm grateful for that(:

2008-06-20T01:08:00.001+08:00

mmm. rmb the camp ends on thurs night. so it shld have ended already(:
hope all was fun.

oh yes. today's an adventurous day!
morning, rush down to great eastern for an interview. hahs. it's also a 4 hr per day job.
it's to complement my prudential minimal hr job :P
but it's quite bad. because need to sign contract and have to take 3 test(fork out 300bucks on my own first). sigh.

after that, i went bugis to eat my favourite you ji mian. muhahaha.
walking halfway after i've ate. i saw a plump plump women walking pass me.
so i pushed her.

and i said "HI MUM!"

hahs!!!! Mum was shocked. LOL it's really a coincidence to see your mum and sibling outside when you are supposed to be working already :P

mum drove me ard after she parked, i have to rush back to prudential already.

hahs. ANYWAY, i've made an appointment today! v happy(:
but today was such a long day. after i ended my work at 6pm. my manager drove me to the arts museum for a motivational talk by adam khoo's prodigy. He's really pretty good and sincere!!

i dont think i have the appetite for braggers. HAHA.
maybe the master is. mmmmmm.

tired tired. and im still up.
hope you aren't too tired and fall ill.

night!(:

2008-06-18T01:01:00.003+08:00

you know something.

i'm so pissed off today.

after going for work today(my work was cancelled yesterday)
my boss tell me we can go at 1pm. oh gosh.
i arrive there at 9am!! She then hinted that we just need to go work for 3 days a week.
and it will be the same, 4 hrs per day....

arghh. im so so so angry.
and i'm tied up by this agency.
anyway, i did learn some personality test skills. i'm waiting to let u play.

i got a new straw as well. the straw that makes the milk taste chocolatey.
hahahaha. but i still dont like milk:P

2008-06-17T00:47:00.003+08:00

mmm.
really want to tell you all these.
but time doesn't permits it.. and i'm afraid i lose this part of my memory.

today, debre tagged me on facebook!
haha. and it was me at the chalet talking over the phone with you inside a room.
debre they all actually hid in one corner to take photos of me while im unaware on the phone.
oh yes... they tagged u as my hp.
hahhaa! do check it out ok?

oh yes.
wanted to tell you so much about the night cycling... but i never had the chance to.
it was a seriously seriously bad one hahaha.
started late, and i got no cash in my wallet.
so i ended up relying on my frds all the while. the weather was cool, but humid as well.
the outcome was a kind of prickly and itchy weather that is super unbearable!

eventually we managed to ride over to the bedok reservoir and it was ard 4+ - 5am. We were super excited after we found the objective. we then U-turn all the way and started looking for exit and went one BIG round, to realise we seee the same objective.
We are officially trapped and dumb( We could have continued after seeing the objective?)

oh yes. we are still so bent on looking for the PARK CONNECTOR
so some smart alex decided tt we take the tarmac outside the sandy path, saying
"only east coast park roads have tarmac for cyclist" (We saw cyclist logo on the tarmac)
hence, thinking tt we are on the direct road to ECP alr. we hurry ALLLLL the way and rush our bike tru. gusty gusty sandy wind. lols.

oh yes. we ended up seeing the objective AGAIN.
then history repeats once or twice again, until we decided to take the super dangerous Highway road and cross them and ride along them one by one.
MMMM. what a tiring day =(

2008-06-07T20:25:00.001+08:00

even more soon soon!
can't wait!(:

called brownie but the line got pretty badly disrupted, and after tt i tried called a dozen times but there's only this foreign voice telling me smt that i tried hard to decipher.

i guess the line went out of its zone and i cant reach brownie with the hi card anymore.
she sounded tired when she talk to me.. ermm. maybe it's motion sickness from the train ride?
well well. dont think too much le. at least i know she's fine enough to call me back(:

soon soon!(:

oh yes.
I found a jobb today.. it sound kind of ideal to me.
let's see if it really is(:

2008-06-05T00:02:00.002+08:00

soon soon soon!
(:

anyway, has been picking up.. long jogs
rebracing myself, reflecting.

i realised i cant su my ss because of some stupid nus rule.
yes. my cap drop.

so be it.
(:

2008-05-30T20:10:00.003+08:00

i am suppose to relieve her off any stress she felt.
i am suppose to make her smile. only smile.

i don't know what's wrong too..
pressure just mounted on me exponentially as each minute went by..

i failed today..

2008-05-28T23:02:00.001+08:00

work work work. where art thou!

i'm homemaker now.
shall cook chrysanthemum tea tmr.
ermm...

must jog tmr morning too!

2008-05-16T23:28:00.001+08:00

first day in germany.
it should be afternoon now... mmm..

wonder what's brownie doing.

second day I removed my k-wire..
slowly recovering the movements of my finger..
oh yes. and I cant bend it.

2008-04-23T01:25:00.004+08:00

was lamenting with qiling about how certain things can't be done because of our limitations..

and i sprouted,

it will all trained us to be better people
and it will be harbored in our heart.. and this hope of accomplishing something will be seeded in our child

we couldn't agreed more with each other.
and it was then that i saw his family potrait and i told him. "at least you have your family portrait"

yes. no matter.
i remembered mine was while i'm in k2. under some lame statue at the har par villa. or was it not?
i couldn't rmb anymore.
but it's ok.
i will make sure my kids have lots of family portraits :D

2008-04-17T01:49:00.004+08:00

I have life again.

my enacted walls torn down.
the locks and chains unwound.
I finally had the energy to smile without weights weighing my cheeks down.
ever since, i've been smiling all day long to the pity of my tired cheeks.

yes. today, there was a faux pas.
however i still truly believes dreams may come, will eventually actualise.

for a long time, i've been believing in accepting responsibilities, blames and punishments.
however, now.. i do not want to be punished for this faux pas.. for i can see the future that lies forth.

i dont want to lose it.
for now, i can only pray that things to be the same as it was.

--

too tired for the test alr. sigh.

2008-04-07T22:50:00.003+08:00

why am i so worried even while i'm confident. I told myself never to be embroiled in this type of feelings anymore. i even believed that it won't happen. haha. it happened nonetheless isn't it.

maybe it's just so wrong. i dont know.
maybe the problem lies with me.

not anyone else.

2008-04-04T19:09:00.003+08:00

two thick metals by the name of k-wires into my middle finger.
less than favorable mid term assignment results.
bills amounting thousands.

and i'm still feeling blissful. jiesong said, it's a blessing in disguise. i really agreed so(:

anyway, syf just ended on tuesday. the silly kids asked me how well did they do.. and they were pretty upset. they compared themselves with one of the best(:
but not wanting to hurt them, i said "it's the best you have put up"
hahaha. being silly kids they are, they said "then where are our presents! you promised us!!"

hahs.
they got a silver=D

2008-03-11T01:52:00.002+08:00

it might not have shown it.
but it is seriously depressing to see my finger in such a terrible state.

so many things that hurt.
no longer as sensitive on my flute..
worse, i can't even lift weights or go for canoe polo training for i can't even grab my paddle without feeling painful.

why.

2008-03-06T00:41:00.001+08:00

i need to be more independent and stronger.

sturdy i shall stand, for the howling wind shall me my pillar.
it wavers me, so that i can root myself firmly on the ground.

2008-02-16T02:54:00.002+08:00

maybe, love is like cloud.

when you are not in it, you see it distinctly and clearly. however, when you are in it.. you can't touch or see the water vapour physically. so you tend to neglect it? haha.

i dont know.
just some random thoughts.

2008-02-15T03:49:00.002+08:00

why did i ever allow myself to fall and maligned. i see that i may never recover completely.
i hate that feeling when i see random updates and the tiny thumbnail of hers.

i guess things should just stay muddled forever, for not everyone deserves the truth.

-

i didnt spend 2 yrs taking shit on intent to train my character for an ordinary performance.

-

just like the april moon.

2008-02-05T17:46:00.000+08:00

they say the kids improved a leap from last time. and they are at least of silver standard already.
time to push them for a gold(:

oh yes. it's always time for me to catch up with my work. and my political science 2600 words paper. grrr.

petrina got me addicted to miss saigon alr!):
tell me, how strongly do words etches deep into ur heart. the lyrics are so beautifully engineering.. and the melody.. Claude-Michel Schonberg is seriously talented, not to mention his feats of les miserables which inspired more!!

--------

~
oh tam, he's so here, he's so near, we might breathe the same air tonight.. your father's here.
excerpts of "Please"

they dont say in the file it's a woman in love... here!
excerpts of "Please"